On the Lot

As I'm sure some of you have been doing, I've been sitting here for the last half hour completely hating myself for watching the show "On the Lot." Being aspiring filmmakers and lovers of film, you guys have to have heard about this show, right? Produced by Steven Spielberg, they gather a group of 50-or-so filmmakers and put them through the ringer to see who's the best director.

First mistake the show makes... it's entirely a 'reality show.' I felt like I was watching "The Bachelor" or "Joe Millionaire" or some shit. It was terribly staged. I hated myself simply because it was totally, 100% reality crapola. I hate to watch people dance around for a camera and act like it's real life. The minute they add a camera to the mix, it's staged. I don't care what it is. "American Idol" or whatever, it's staged. I've been a big advocate of the fact that "American Idol" would be just as interesting as solely a radio show - still completely uninteresting - but besides that, it wouldn't lose anything but the 'Prom Queen' factor of voting... the voting for the prettiest, most appealing candidate. If there's anything that Peter Jackson, Alfred Hitchcock and Quentin Tarantino prove, it's that, "hey, ugly dudes can make pretty damn good films." They need to find a way past that, and they completely failed in every aspect of the show.

Second, the first episode is dedicated to 'The Pitch.' I'm sorry, but 'The Pitch' has absolutely nothing to do with who can make the best film. They're actually going to eliminate people because of this shit? I don't even want to address this. This is so asinine as to be laughable. Eliminating a director for something unrelated to what's a part of his footage is ludicrous. It's all about the film, people.

Third, they assign ideas. I mean, at this point you're losing brainpower.

And then lastly, besides all that (and even ignoring the annoying host of the show), we get... 'The Three Judges.' Garry Marshall. The world's most hit-or-miss (and mostly miss) director. He did Pretty Woman. He did Beaches. He did Overboard. Other than those three, mostly mediocre films, he's done shit. Hell, last week he released the roundly derided Georgia Rule. And the last film of his I saw? Raising Helen. Not a single thing worth remembering, I'm still trying to forget Kate Hudson was even in it.

And Carrie Fisher. Immortalized in Star Wars and forgotten in absolutely everything else.

And - of course - fuckin' Brett Ratner. Yes, Rush Hour/Red Dragon/X-Men 3 Brett Ratner. The guy has yet to make a SINGLE good film. Worse yet, he has this egotistical approach to his work like he's actually accomplished something - besides the astounding fact he actually got money to make a film. I blame Spielberg. Not only did he give Ratner the money to make his student film (thank you "Entourage" for that bit of info), but now he's producing a show that lets Ratner mug for the camera? Every time this guy winced at a pitch, I wanted to punch him in the face and say "hey, fuckhead, this is what it's like to sit through most all of your films."

I guess payback is hell. "On the Lot" is a squandered idea followed through with brutally terrible execution.